A Night to Forget ~ or ~ Kurtilocks and the Three Rooms

Somehow I had wrenched my neck by simply turning my head a fraction of an inch. I was not exerting myself, or even watching a tennis match, but there it was; a massive cramp in my neck and upper back. Life goes on. Oh how it goes on. But that is not the point of this story. The next morning, having abandoned all hope of sleep at 3:00AM, I drank my coffee stiffly, rather than enjoying my usual stiff coffee, and went into work at 6:00AM. As this was the first day of the new semester, there was little chance I would get home at a reasonable time, or even before noon. As it went, I got home around 5:00 and had to get ready for a dinner meeting with some friends. Having gotten my eleventh wind by then, I was doing well for dinner, and even managed to use some actual words in my conversation, though my gesticulations were becoming a little sloppy, and those that did not threaten to contuse my dining companions simply offended them. This also is not the point. The point is, I had been up for almost 19 hours after a mere four fitful hours of something almost, but not completely, entirely unlike sleep, and was looking forward to a bit of rest. Oh how life goes on. Opening the door to my apartment, I stepped in. The sound of my footfall on the ageing yellowed linoleum in the entry echoed soggily in the dark, as a wave of warm humidity enveloped me. Part of my brain instantly realized what was happening and struggled mightily to find the right expletives. Another part of my brain didn’t care what the right expletives were and simply went through them all machine-gun fashion, but the largest part of my brain just gave up on the idea of going to bed anytime soon. Flood! Instantly I began searching out, two by two, all creatures big and small. After a moments thought, I realized this flood was of something slightly less than biblical proportions. More reflection led me led me to believe that if God were to try the Great Flood bit today, Noah would unionize and simply make the whole project untenable. God had not, in fact, abandoned mankind; he was simply mired in negotiations over the terms and wording of the covenant! Having found God before the last echoes of my splashing footsteps died away, I squelched my way into the bathroom and quenched the source of the flood – a burst pipe on the toilet had let loose the Fish of War upon my abode. Evolving gills seemed to be a bit of overkill, so I decided to call maintenance and have them deal with my unexpectedly tropical apartment. After speaking to someone in Bangladesh, I was assured that help would be arriving within the half hour. I’m not easily impressed, but the U.S. government couldn’t get help to New Orleans with a weeks worth of warning, and someone in India is going to get help to me in 30 minutes? An hour later (still better than FEMA), a man who looks like he hasn’t quite finished all twelve steps comes knocking on my door. Wading into my apartment, he takes full stock of the situation and mentions to me that I might have a bit of a flood. Having verified that I actually had a flood, the maintenance man checked the burst pipe, and then began to wash his hands in my toilet. After he finished soiling his hands, he called his supervisor to inform him of the situation. At this point it was readily apparent that the apartment was not suitable to sustain life, and the next half hour went by passing the message up the chain until it was discerned that the people that were important enough to authorize putting me into a hotel were too important to be disturbed at the current ungodly hour. I decided to find a hotel anyway. At the hotel, I picked up my key card and wearily shambled to my room. Opening the door, I noticed it was several hundred degrees inside, and so I turned on the AC and waited. After twenty minutes, it became apparent that the AC was not working, so I went back to the front desk for a new room. The clerk apologized then handed me a new set of keys, and off I went again. Outside the new room, I discovered the keys did not work, so I once again visited the front desk. With a total of three new key cards, I ambled back to my new abode and opened the door. Stepping in I noticed food on the table, towels strewn about and a rumpled bed. Turning around, I once again spoke with Ted (we were now on a first name basis) and get yet another room. Feeling somewhat like Goldilocks -- the first room was too hot, the next room was too dirty – I hoped fervently that this room would be just right. Opening the door, I noticed that the room was several hundred degrees inside, and so I turned on the AC and waited. After twenty minutes, it became apparent that the AC was working just enough that by morning most metals would remain solid. Accepting my lot in life, I picked up the phone to ask for a wake up call, and discovered that the phone did not work. Giggling somewhat insanely at Karma’s wacky sense of humor, I adjusted the alarm clock and went to sleep. Late the next morning I discovered that the alarm clock did not work as well. Oh how life goes on…